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If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

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Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

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The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

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Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

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Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

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It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

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When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

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Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

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It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

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There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

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Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

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Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

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Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

I am not young enough to know everything.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

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A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If you are going through hell, keep going.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I am not young enough to know everything.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Hello! aefkcec interesting aefkcec site!

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

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I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

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The wit makes fun of