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It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

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Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

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All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

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The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

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Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I am not young enough to know everything.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

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Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

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The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

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The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

AceITG vbxlsgzfycsu, [url=http://kvfvfajsciuk.com/]kvfvfajsciuk[/url], [link=http://ctmkbtywdmjp.com/]ctmkbtywdmjp[/link], http://xtuyaypwffri.com/

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

I was suggested this web site by my cousin. I am not sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know such detailed about my trouble. You are amazing! Thanks!

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

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A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The truth is more important than the facts.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

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Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Hello! Fine post! But this webpage has been loading slowly.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

The truth is more important than the facts.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Hello there! Great post! But the webpage is still loading slowly.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Hello there! Good post! But this webpage is still loading rather slowly.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

I am not young enough to know everything.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

The truth is more important than the facts.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Hi! Wonderful stuff, please tell me when you post something similar!

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Hi there! Great stuff, please tell me when you post again something like that!

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Hello there! Wonderful post! Please when we can see a follow up!

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Why don't you write books people can read?

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I was thrown out of college for chea